10 Things…

Ten Things a Parent Doesn’t Want to Hear

  1. We are cooking kumquat and lemongrass curry in DT tomorrow – where are my ingredients?
  2. Tomorrow is World Book Day – where is my costume?
  3. I feel sick.
  4. We are having a class cake sale tomorrow, I need to take in a Victoria sponge and 48 sparkly cupcakes.
  5. I left my school shoes in the changing room after PE.
  6. Tomorrow is the deadline for taking in our life size papier mache ancient Egyptian artefacts.
  7. I’m going to be sick.
  8. It’s the Spelling Bee tomorrow.  Can you test me on this list of 1000 words?
  9. Can I have a friend for tea tomorrow? She is allergic to wheat, dairy, onions, a vegan and has a special pen if she goes near a peanut.
  10. I’ve been sick. In your work handbag.
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Ten Reasons Why It Is Too Early For Summer

BuntingThe past couple of days in West Dorset have been glorious.  Blue skies, warm sun, tweety birds – the whole shebang.  I love Summer and the arrival of this weather is very welcome – it always seems to appear just when I think that the grey winter days have  totally worn me down and the rest of my life will be lived in monochrome.  HOWEVER, I am completely unprepared for this early taster.  It pains me to say it but please, Summer, can you just hold on for a little bit longer?

My case, your honour, is as follows:-

  1. All my Summer clothes were still in the loft.
  2. Having scrambled up and down from the loft I realized that, due to my child free Easter diet (wine/chocolate/cheese & onion crisps) all said clothes are now way too tight.
  3. The colour of my legs – milk bottle would be a kindly term.  They look like they have been dipped in some sort of radio active fluorescent leg wash.
  4. Everything is hairy.
  5. Feet.  My heels are so hoof like that I could easily be mistaken for Mr Tumnus.  Great for fancy dress but not so much for the flip flops.
  6. Skin.  Winter, central heating, general lack of body maintenance all means that I need at least a month of intensive moisturization, unless I want to leave a trail of skin flakes wherever I go, Hansel and Gretel style.
  7. School uniform.  The teen and the tween are out of the gingham summer dresses at school (*sob*) but they can’t sweat through lessons in black opaque tights and long sleeve shirts – seasonal uniform update needed.
  8. Garden.  Sorting out the garden for Spring keeps falling off the end of the to-do list.  How am I going to Instagram photos of shiny happy people sipping prosecco in the fairy lit dusk if I don’t move the wheelie bins and actually plant something?
  9. Music.  There is nothing even nearly worthy of a Summer playlist around at the moment.
  10. Flab.  To put it bluntly, the ripple factor is just too high.  I need to dust off the pilates DVD and re-introduce myself to my core.

So Summer, please take pity on me.  I promise to lose weight, exfoliate, depilate and activate.  Just give me another month or so and I’ll be ready for you.  In the meantime every magazine cover that screams “Get Summer Ready Now!”, “Drop A Dress Size For Summer!”, “You Can Have That Dream Bikini Body!”, will be off the shelf and into my shopping basket, pronto.  Now, I must make an appointment to get my feet in shape, where is the phone number for the blacksmith chiropodist?

Ten reasons why it is easier to be single…

Happy Face1

  1. The only snoring that wakes me up is my own.
  2. Any in-law interaction is entirely by choice.
  3. I have all the space in the wardrobe.
  4. I do not have to iron any shirts.
  5. I don’t have to shave my legs for the whole of winter.
  6. I can watch six episodes of Mad Men back to back uninterrupted.
  7. I don’t have to listen to the same anecdote AGAIN. It wasn’t even funny the first time.
  8. I can turn the map upside down and will still reach my destination.
  9. I can stop worrying that every other couple is having more sex than me.
  10. Big pants.  Say no more.

…and ten more why it is not

Sad Face1

  1. Bin day. I don’t want to be sexist but that really is a blue job, not a pink one.
  2. I never get a cup of tea in bed unless I get up to make it.
  3. Most women think I am flirting with their husbands. I am not.
  4. Most husbands think I fancy them. I REALLY do not.
  5. I never get to be the good cop with my children.
  6. I am always the designated driver, no chance of a huge glass of wine with a pub lunch.
  7. Walking into a party alone never gets any easier.
  8. In the middle of the night there is no one to ask if that rash looks like meningitis.
  9. Money – the buck stops with me.
  10. Loneliness.  Sometimes it’s just really hard.